Men’s Fitness magazine, which I don’t read but probably should, has published an analysis of certain cereals by a panel of experts. The eight listed cereals are Grape Nuts Flakes, Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Strawberries, Health Valley Granola Raisin Cinnamon, Special K plus Protein, Kashi 7 Whole Grain Honey Puffs, Multi-Grain Cheerios, Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted Whole Grain Cereal Golden Flax, and Wheaties. The panel tried only the “major healthy brands” so most of the classic cereal brands — like Frosted Flakes or Lucky Charms — probably didn’t make the cut.
The winners? Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Strawberries was deemed tastiest, Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted Whole Grain Cereal Golden Flax was adjudged healthiest, and Special K with Protein was voted best overall. I’m sorry to say that Wheaties, which was a staple of the Webner household as I was growing up because it was the Breakfast of Champions, takes a bit of a drubbing from the panel for featuring dry, gritty flakes and not much nutritional value. Still, I would take Wheaties over the Grape Nut Flakes or the Kashi puffs any day; the latter two cereals turn into a mush almost immediately after the first splash of milk.
I am not familiar with the Ezekiel 4:9 cereal — and I have to say that “Sprouted Whole Grain Cereal Golden Flax” is a mouthful whether or not the cereal itself is — but it made me wonder precisely what the text of Ezekiel 4:9 is. The King James version translation is: “Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof, according to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon thy side, three hundred and ninety days shalt thou eat thereof.” Any breakfast cereal that promises you sustenance while you lie on your side for 390 days must have something to recommend it.