Much as I love listening to opera, I also love Bugs Bunny’s classic approach to exacting revenge on a blowhard opera singer.
When we bought our Acura SUV, we got a complimentary subscription to SiriusXM. We accepted it, of course — it was a freebie — but I was skeptical that I’d ever pay for radio. After all, why pay for something you can get for free?
I’ve since become a convert. I like the variety of the news, comedy, sports, and music stations, and I like the commercial-free music stations. I particularly appreciate the service when I’m driving from city to city, because I don’t need to worry about losing a signal and searching for a new one.
I’ve programmed the car with my favorite Sirius stations, so I can find them with the push of a button, and I’ve experimented with some of the other stations, too. I tuned in to the Sirius POTUS station before the election, because I thought it was a pretty well-balanced presentation of the election-related news, and since the election I’ve been listening faithfully to the three Sirius classical music stations — the Metropolitan Opera station, Pops, and Symphony Hall, where they play longer pieces. I also like the fact that the display screen tells me what’s playing, so if I like a piece that I haven’t heard before I can find it at the library.
From my perspective, there’s a lot to like about SiriusXM. I never thought I’d pay for radio, but it’s worth it.
Monday morning when I woke up, it was clear that the day before I had been exposed to ESFOUO — that is, excessively salty food of unknown origin.
The interior of my mouth was puckered, my tongue was coated in a brackish seawater film, and it felt like you could chip salt crystals off the crust on my teeth. I wanted to drink about a gallon of water to rehydrate.
My brushing the night before had not saved me from my briny fate. It was as if the salt from the ESFOUO had found every crack and crevice unreachable by human toothbrush and lain dormant, then rose and spread its foul dessication while I slept.
What was the ESFOUO? Who knows? I hadn’t eaten cheap Chinese food, which is a standard ESFOUO culprit. (I sometimes wonder whether General Tso actually defeated opposing armies by chicken-based salt poisoning.) I’d had a superdog and fries at the Browns game, drank a beer pre-game, ate some cereal, and had a piece of store-bought pecan pie with Cool Whip. So, which was it? Was the superdog chock full of salty preservatives, or was it the pecan pie? Or did that unique combination of grub meld into a witches’ brew of salinity that attacked my defenseless mouth?
It took repeated brushings, Listerine garglings, and mass water infusion to return my mouth to a passable state. With that disgusting experience still fresh in my memory, I’ll be examining every morsel carefully for the next few days, wondering if I am unwittingly ingesting another ESFOUO.