Bruised And Battered By Machine Gun Sneezes

Today I’m feeling bruised and battered, like I’ve gone 12 rounds with Joe Frazier and he’s been working on the body the whole time.  My allergies are to blame.

IMG_2221I never know what mold, fungus, dust, or mite has acted as the trigger, but the symptoms are unmistakable.  My respiratory system kicks into overdrive and suddenly begins producing mucus as it has never produced it before.  A disgusting flood of phlegm cascades sluggishly down the back of my throat like the River Styx.  I cough repeatedly in response to the irritation.  And, worst of all, my body is wracked by explosive, insuppressible sneezes that follow immediately, one after the other, like bullets from a machine gun clip.

These sneezes aren’t the gentle ejections of air you typically see in Kleenex commercials, either.  No, they are violent, full-bodied actions that involve every fiber of my being.  They radiate down to the core of the torso, cause the abdominal muscles to spasm and clench, rattle past the rib cage, and jostle the organs.  Cruel personal trainers would love to be able to replicate similar muscular activity.

I might experience as many as 10 of these eruptions in a row, and there is nothing to be done about it.  All you can aim for is riding it out and hoping that the next morning, when you awaken feeling sore and beat up, you’re done with the terrible sneezing.

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