I Solemnly Swear Never To Go To McDonald’s For Food Again

Today I made a colossal blunder — one of those extraordinary, life-altering misjudgments that can affect the course of human events for generations.

I was driving from work to visit my mother.  It was about 12:30, and I hadn’t eaten anything all day.  The route to Mom’s place takes me past a McDonald’s.  So, even though I normally don’t eat at McDs, I thought I would go through the drive-thru, get a sandwich, and continue on my way.

IMG_3850That was the first mistake.

At the drive-thru, they were advertising the new Quarter Pounder “flavors.”  I decide to take a shot at the Quarter Pounder with bacon and cheese.  I carefully instructed the order taker that I did not want pickles.  Then I drove on. That was the second mistake.

I paid the pleasant young lady at the money-taking window, then pulled up to get my order.  The pleasant young lady at the food delivery window regretfully advised me that my sandwich wouldn’t be ready right away, so I should pull up into a waiting spot to get out of the lane of traffic while my sandwich was prepared.  I did so, reasoning that this meant that my sandwich was more likely to be served piping hot and properly cooked.  That was the third mistake.

I think I waited in the special parking space for about five minutes.  I can’t say for sure, because your sense of time becomes horribly warped as you wait in a special parking spot for “fast food.”  It could just as easily have been a century.  I think I had to clip my fingernails twice as I waited, to prevent them from growing into claws.  Finally a pleasant young lady came out and handed me a bag with a cheery smile, and I drove off.

As I looked in the bag, I saw that they gave me french fries, which I didn’t order.  In addition, the bacon cheese Quarter Pounder included pickles, even though the order slip taped to the box said, explicitly, “no pickles.”  I shrugged, removed the pickles, and bit into the sandwich.  That was the final mistake.

The cold cheese that had once been melted and now was welded to the inside bottom of the box which should have been a clue.  The sandwich was, at best, lukewarm.  It clearly had been sitting for some time before it was brought to my car.  The beef — well, let’s call it animal product to be on the safe side — had been cooked to the consistency of shoe leather and was absolutely, completely tasteless.  The “bacon” could not be cut by human teeth.  It was, without question, the worst sandwich I’ve ever tried to eat.  I was hungry, but I just couldn’t finish it.  I ended up kicking myself for going to McDonald’s in the first place.  What did I expect?  The food there just sucks, and its only commendable quality is that it is fast.  If you have to wait for it, as I did, it has no redeeming characteristics whatsoever.

It’s taken me 56 years, but after today I think I’ve learned my lesson.  I hereby solemnly swear that I will never go to a McDonald’s for food again.  Golden Arches, you’ve had your chance, and you’ve blown it.  Never again!

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The Gay Street Moonlight Market

Tonight is the latest Gay Street Moonlight Market.

IMG_3848It’s an opportunity for all of Columbus to come and see the coolest street in the downtown area, with the best food, the best restaurants, the best sidewalk vendors, the best shops, the best buildings, the best parking lot . . . and the coolest law firm, too, of course.  (The outside wall of our 68 building serves as the backdrop for the slide show projections.)

It’s part of the work of the Gay Street Collaborative.  The Moonlight Market takes places on the second Saturday of every month, with the brick-and-mortar businesses staying open for shopping and sidewalk vendors filling both sides of the street.  The first two Moonlight Markets did really well, and we Gay Streeters are hoping that the nice summer weather will bring even more people out tonight.

If you’re in downtown Columbus for the arts festival, stretch your legs, hoof it a few streets to the north, and check out Gay Street tonight.  I’m guessing you won’t be alone, and I’m betting your won’t be disappointed!

Mai Chau And The Noodle Bowl Of Goodness

IMG_3817After walking through the Arts Festival yesterday, the Bus-Riding Conservative, the Unkempt Guy and I decided to hoof it over to the nearby Dinin’ Hall for lunch.  The UG had never been there, and the BRC and I decided it was high time to introduce him to the wonders of this cool Franklinton dining option.

I’m glad we stopped by, because I discovered a new and terrific Columbus food truck — Mai Chau – Eat Viet.  I decided to try the Noodle Bowl, and for $8 I was treated to a heaping bowl of vermicelli noodles, pulled pork, bean sprouts, cucumber slices, pickled carrots, daikon, cilantro, crushed peanuts, and fish sauce.  It was succulent — crunchy, delicately flavored, and filling, to boot — and I ate every bit of it.

I thought Mai Chau might be a bit of Vietnamese wordplay — a food truck with a name pronounced “my chow”? — but a little research shows that there is a region of north Vietnam called the Mai Chau Valley.  I don’t know if the proprietor of the food truck hails from there, but I hope he sticks around Columbus and becomes a regular part of the Dinin’ Hall rotation.