Rabbit Fever

For Kasey, this furry suburban creature that looks like it could be posing for a chocolate Easter bunny mold is a mortal enemy.

IMG_3876Our little corner of New Albany has lots of bunnies hopping about.  To my knowledge, they have done nothing to offend Kasey.  They haven’t eaten her food or guzzled her water.  They haven’t danced a mocking jig outside the window.  Nevertheless, Kasey hates them all.  She hates their fluffy white cottontails.  She hates their ravenous rabbit appetites.  She hates that the hares sit there, noses twitching, staring at her as we walk past.

But most of all, Kasey hates that she is on a leash and can’t go tearing after these furballs that hunch in the grass, taunting her with their closeness and their rank rabbit odor.  So all Kasey can do is pose.  She strains until the leash is stretched taut and puffs out her chest likes she is posing for the statue found at the prow of a ship.  She glares her most withering glare.  She displays every alpha animal signal ever seen on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.  And deep down, Kasey is thinking:  “I could take that.”  She believes that if she were just let loose she would be able to chase down that wild hare, no matter how quick and nimble it might be, and do unspeakable things that eons of species development have left her desperately wanting to do.

But the rabbits are unconcerned.  They pay no mind to Kasey’s macho posturing.  They just sit there, munching and watching, perhaps taking a desultory hop to one side or the other.  And then, when they have made a maximum show of languid boredom, they hop casually away.

It drives Kasey nuts.

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About That “Sexual Satisfaction” Survey

In Columbus, we periodically hear about studies that rate our fair city as number 7 in this category or number 14 in that one.  Now Time magazine tells us that Columbus ranks number 2 in a “sexual satisfaction” survey by Men’s Health magazine.  (Indianapolis ranks number 1, Fort Wayne, Indiana is number 3, and Cincinnati is number 4, so the Midwest is well represented on the list.)

How do you determine “sexual satisfaction” on a city-wide basis when many, if not most, people consider their intimate relationships to be their own, deeply private business — particularly in a reserved Midwestern burg like Columbus?  Men’s Health looked at condom sales, birth rates, and the sale of sex toys and other erotic paraphernalia from two retailers I’ve never heard of (Babeland and Pure Romance).  I’m skeptical that looking at just these factors gives the Men’s Health survey the same scientific weight as, say, the Kinsey reports.  The factors may have some relation to sex, but they don’t necessarily seem to correlate with “satisfaction.”  Higher condom sales may just indicate that people are being more responsible in practicing safe sex, not that they are having more (or more rewarding) sex.  And the sale of sex toys could mean just about anything, including that the maid of honor thought a few racy gifts given to the reserved bride might spice up the bachelorette party.

I don’t know if Columbus is more “sexually satisfied” than Lexington, Kentucky, which Men’s Health placed at number 100, and I’m not going to try to find out.  We don’t talk about such things in polite company, thank you very much.