Yesterday we received an unexpected gift — a large, acrylic Santa Claus cutting board. It features a fine depiction of the right jolly old elf, with fur-trimmed robe and hat, red nose, flowing white beard, and a full pack of toys for good little girls and boys.
Any gift is thoughtful and appreciated, of course, and we certainly can use a sturdy new cutting board. Still, there is something about a Santa Claus cutting board that is a bit . . . unsettling. Who would want to bring a sharp knife down on St. Nick’s plump face as they slice a lemon or scar him permanently with a well-placed stroke across the belly? Why should Kris Kringle have to endure the hacking and stabbing and chopping?
Of course, this kind of cutting board may have a strong subconscious appeal to people who’ve had enough of Christmas sales and Christmas traffic and their fiftieth exposure to Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. Frankly, they’ve had it up to here with Christmas already and just need to relieve a little bit of holiday tension by bringing a meat cleaver down on St. Nick’s neck. Or perhaps it is intended for people who didn’t get the Robbie the Robot toy they asked for three years in a row, were made to feel like they were a bad boy, and secretly have always wanted to take it out on Santa by smashing a tomato in his fat, judgmental, coal-giving face. “Hey, Santa — what gives you the right to decide who’s naughty or nice?” Whack!
We’ll know if there’s something to this theory if we start to see Santa Claus-themed toilet plungers and Father Christmas targets at the local gun range.