Sixty Years Without A Bath

Meet Amoo Hadji. He’s an 80-year-old Iranian guy who lives in a stone hut, sleeps in a depression in the ground, and hasn’t had a bath in 60 years. That’s right — he hasn’t bathed since the Eisenhower Administration.

Frankly, Amoo’s lack of personal hygiene isn’t the only thing you might find objectionable in his lifestyle. He eats dead animals and smokes animal dung in his pipe. And, because he doesn’t bathe, we can assume he’s not hauling out the Pepsodent to get sparkling fresh breath after he chows down some rotting animal flesh and chases it with a relaxing camel turd after-dinner smoke.

The story linked above, which includes photos of Amoo and his Stone Age lifestyle, leaves some significant questions unanswered. After following basic social norms for 20 years, why did Amoo decide to skip the benefits of soap and water for the next six decades? Did his Mom just give up on hectoring him to wash off a few days’ filth? Is there any way to describe what he smells like? A professional wrestler? A camel? A goat? Milk that has been left in an abandoned refrigerator in the blazing sunshine for several days?

And what does Amoo Hadji do with his time, other than hunting for animal carcasses and dung? Is he a blogger? Does he have a Facebook page? Is he married?

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Forking Good Pizza

The citizens of New York City are a passionate, opinionated bunch. So, it is not a surprise that they reacted with outrage and ridicule when their new mayor, Bill de Blasio, was shown on TV eating pizza with a knife and fork.

That’s right — a knife and fork. De Blasio went to a well-known Staten Island pizzeria for a sit-down meal, started strong by ordering a sausage and smoked mozzarella pie, and then botched it by carving up his slice with a knife and spearing each piece with a fork. New Yorkers went bonkers, and the media wondered aloud whether de Blasio had lost some of his street cred as a result. For a guy who has presented himself as a two-fisted fighter for the little guy, eating pizza with a knife and fork seems awfully . . . prissy. It’s the sort of thing your great-aunt Gertrude might do with a look of stern disapproval on her face.

De Blasio defended his blunder by saying that in his “ancestral homeland” — his mother is Italian — people eat pizza with a knife and fork. Please! Everyone knows that pizza in its modern form is an American invention, and the American way of eating it is to grab a slice by hand and gobble it down. You end up with fingers that are covered in a greasy orange glaze, a mound of wadded napkins also stained orange, and a contented look on your face for having enjoyed the complete pizza experience. Eating pizza with a knife and fork is not only vaguely insulting, it also misses out on half the fun.

Good Lord! Does de Blasio use a knife and fork to eat a New York dirty water hot dog, or a doughnut? Imagine a Chicago pol using utensils to eat a dripping Italian beef sandwich, or the mayor of the City of Brotherly Love using a fork to finish off a Philly cheesesteak, or Memphis’ mayor using a knife and fork to eat a mound of ribs. It’s unthinkable!

We’ve already established that politicians should never be photographed eating a corn dog. De Blasio’s experience shows that they need to apply similar thoughtfulness when they sit down to enjoy a meal of classic American comfort food.