Can anyone imagine a more infernal combination than politicians and school lunches? Each is supremely hellish in its own right; what depths of awfulness might be probed if they intersected?
Anyone who has ever eaten a school lunch won’t forget the experience. Hairy, fatty chicken, reheated “Johnny Marzetti,” hamburgers with the consistency of hockey pucks, flaccid, undercooked french fries — the painful mental images are still down there, lurking in the bleak, dark depths of your consciousness. And yet, kids confronted with even those culinary catastrophes could choke them down. Then, when Michelle Obama decided to strive to make school lunches healthier, the effort produced lunches so revolting that even hungry kids found them to be intolerable. And now Senators, of all people, are going to try to make school lunches tastier? Really? We’re going to rely on Senators to decide what the burly, hairnetted lunch ladies are going to be ladling out to the unfortunate kids whose parents won’t pack them a lunch?
C’mon, people. Give the school kids a break. Feeding hungry kids a decent lunch is much too important to leave to members of the World’s Greatest Deliberative Body. Instead, why not have a responsible, representative body make the decision — like, say, the student council in every school that is going to have to eat this stuff?
Beards seem to be a source of endless fascination for medical researchers and health care reporters. Ever since Peter Griffin grew a beard that served as home to a nest of birds on Family Guy, their prevailing view seems to be that male facial hair must be host to countless forms of microbial life and teeming with potential disease-causing agents.
Why would this be true? Researchers think that those two forms of bacteria might form colonies and breed in the microabrasions caused by men repeatedly scraping their faces with sharp objects (otherwise known as shaving). And, even more intriguing, a separate analysis indicates that beards may be home to microbes that actually kill bacteria, which could lead to the development of new forms to antibiotics — which something that the world desperately needs because bacteria are becoming increasingly resistant to the current array of antibiotics.
That’s right: in the space of a single article, beards go from filthy petri dishes of lurking disease to the potential salvations of the human race! I think I’ll celebrate by guzzling some dairy products and letting a few drops find a whiskery home.