Letters From The Donald

The peril of making a contribution to the campaign of a political candidate — Republican or Democrat — is that your name and address get put on a list and sold to every other candidate for that party.  And because I’ve contributed to candidates running under the banners of both parties, I get letters and emails from every imaginable candidate.

I think that’s why I’ve become one of Donald J. Trump’s pen pals.

img_3106Donald J. Trump’s letters are a little bit . . . weird.  I guess that shouldn’t be surprising, should it?  For one thing, he doesn’t actually put dates on his letters.  One says “Tuesday evening”; another says “Wednesday morning.”  Hey, I wonder if he wrote that one during one of his 3 a.m. Twitter rampages?

For another thing, he doesn’t use my name in the salutation.  One letter is addressed “Dear Patriotic Republican.”  (That’s not quite accurate — the “Republican” part, at least.)  Another begins:  “Dear Fellow American.”  It’s pretty clear that Donald not only doesn’t really know my name, he also doesn’t know my gender.  His letters talk about “grassroots leaders like you — men and women . . . .”  It’s flattering to be called a “grassroots leader,” admittedly, but I’m guessing that Donald J. Trump and his campaign really don’t know who the heck I am, much less what kind of leadership abilities I might possess.

What are the letters about?  Money, of course.  Donald J. Trump knows one thing about me, for sure:  I’m one of the “handful” — really, he says “handful” — “who have not yet contributed to the Trump Make America Great Again Committee.”  Well, he’s got that right, at least.  And like every other politician, from the beginning of time, Donald J. Trump needs money.  It’s time, he says, that I send in an “Emergency Contribution Reply,” or give him my “Pledge of Support” along with some cold, hard cash.

Of course, I haven’t responded to any of Donald J. Trump’s letters, and I’m not going to.  But I do appreciate the letters, and the compliments about my patriotism and my leadership.  And those letters do a splendid job of helping to get my fire pit blazing on these cool autumn nights.

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