According to news reports, some “Occupy” protesters are calling for “occupation” of outlets of large, publicly traded retailers — that is, virtually every store found in America — tomorrow. If it happens, it would set up a monumental clash of the titans on the biggest shopping day of the year:
Ladies and gentlemen: Welcome to the Black Friday throw down!
In this corner, a ragtag band of “Occupy Wall Street” protesters with a bad case of “bed head.” They’re scruffy, angry, and utterly convinced of the righteousness of their cause.
And in this corner, legions of amped-up holiday shoppers. They’ve been up for hours, they’ve chugged gallons of black coffee, and they’re gunning to get all of their holiday shopping done in one stressful 18-hour period.
The contest has begun! The Occupy protesters have blocked the door to the Wal-Mart! They’re doing their annoying human microphone shtick and trying to explain why large corporations suck.
But the shoppers aren’t listening! They’ve formed a flying wedge of shopping carts handled by angry plus-sized women who want to take advantage of the big Black Friday sales! They’re ramming the Occupy protesters. Wait just a minute! Some of the shoppers have fainted from that special “Occupy” odor! And the “Occupiers” are demanding free stuff from the shoppers!
Ladies and gentlemen, the confrontation has turned into a general melee. The shoppers are clubbing the Occupy protesters with their heavy purses! But now a phalanx of “Occupy” drummers has entered the fray! Their loud, discordant drumming has momentarily stunned the shoppers! Hold on a moment — the shoppers have regrouped! They’re slashing at the Occupy protesters with the edges of their credit cards, and the Occupy protesters are giving way . . . .
If the “Occupy” protesters follow through with a Black Friday attempt to occupy stores, I’m betting on the shoppers.