Sherlock Holmes And The Bag Of Dog Poop

Recently, when we’ve taken our morning walks around the Yantis Loop, Penny, Kasey, and I have often found unwelcome surprises at various places along the fence line.  They are bags of dog poop, carefully tied off yet left on the top of the fence posts.  I pick them up, carry them to the next disposal container, and toss them in.  And I always wonder:  who in the heck would do such a thing?

In The Sign of the Four, Sherlock Holmes explained, “when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”  What can we deduce from the poop bags?  First, we know the culprit has a dog and is sufficiently mobile to make it to various places along the Yantis Loop track; cat lovers, the physically infirm, and agoraphobes therefore need not apply.  Second, we know that the perpetrator has to be tall enough to reach the top of the three-foot-high fence posts and have the eye-hand coordination to tie off a bag of poop, which eliminates infants, toddlers, and the pooping dogs themselves.  Third, the miscreant can’t be a total jerk; if they were a complete reprobate they wouldn’t bag the poop in the first place.  Ergo, they must have some sense of social obligation.  Finally, the poop bags are small, suggesting that the dog is a tiny, yapper dog, the kind that most men despise.

From these clues, I deduce that the wrongdoer is a repressed husband who walks his wife’s appalling pocketbook pooch at her request, bags the poop while growing increasingly annoyed at the shrill barks, and then leaves the bagged poop on the fence as a last rebellious gesture before heading home to endure the tattered remains of his miserable, pathetic life.  It’s either that, or a wealthy but absent-minded New Albany philanthropist who leaves the bags to identify citizens who care enough about their community to dispose of bags of a strange dog’s poop, but then forgets to reward those decent, responsible, civic-minded folks.

What say you, Watson?

Worst Product Defect Ever

It’s just a rip in a small plastic bag, but I think it’s the worst product defect ever.

IMG_2223The problem is the purpose of the small plastic bag.  It’s supposed to fit over your hand.  Then, you use it to pick up your dog’s fragrant deposits in public areas, reverse the bag and tie it off, and then toss it in a disposal container.  So, if there is tear in the bag, when you use it for its intended purpose unfortunate and disgusting consequences involving your dominant hand inevitably will ensue.  Fortunately, I noticed the rip when I inserted my hand — but if I hadn’t I’d be permanently scarred and unwilling to ever do the dog owners’ doo-doo duty in the future.

There are many defects a plastic bag could have — wrong color, wrong shape, or wrong thickness, to name just a few.  A rip in a dog poop retrieval bag, however, is such a catastrophic defect you wonder if it might actually be an intentional act of worker sabotage — if a downtrodden worker in the factory that produces the bags, barely earning a living wage and tired of his boss and his life, got a chuckle out of the idea of ripping a few bags on the assembly line and then envisioning how a plump, arrogant American with an overweight, pampered dog would react when he ended up with a hand covered with foul-smelling dog dung.

If so, I’m sorry to disappoint.