Crossing The “Shit-Faced” Line

Recently Russell and I witnessed first-hand the imprecision of the word “drunk.”

IMG_2179It happened as we were walking back up East Ninth Street in Cleveland after the Browns’ victory over the Steelers last Sunday.  In a crowd full of people who’d had some kind of alcoholic beverage during the day, we came across a living, stumbling definition of “shit-faced” who was lurching from side to side as we approached.  He had somehow lost a shoe and almost fell over trying to retrieve it.  When Russell picked it up and handed it to him, we noticed the guy’s nose was covered in fresh blood — whether from a trip and fall, a liquor-fueled brawl with a Steelers fan, or some other mishap, we’d never know — and his face was lit with that familiar, bright alcoholic haze.  Russell kindly gave him a napkin he happened to have, so the besotted wretch could stanch the flow of blood, and we hurried past.  The guy wobbled along, no doubt to an impending, hunched over encounter with a street gutter before he found whoever was going to drive him home.

“Drunk” is too generic; it doesn’t really capture the different gradations of inebriation that we all recognize through years of experience.  It’s why “drunk” is often combined with other words, as in messy drunk or blind drunk or falling down drunk.  If you’re going to have a drink for festive purposes, you’re probably aiming for tipsy or buzzed or lubricated or toasted — words that reflect a happy, uninhibited state, yet one where the drinker still maintains some semblance of physical and mental control and can speak in moderately coherent sentences.  You don’t want to venture into the territory of potted, sloppy, sloshed, or trashed, and if you’ve crossed the line into hammered, blotto, plastered, or wasted, there is no going back.  All you can do is hope that you finally stop the intake before you reach the shit-faced pinnacle — or, perhaps more appropriately, nadir — of embarrassing, knee-walking, vomit-covered public intoxication.

These considerations are useful to keep in mind as we head into the heart of the holiday season.

Why Would Any College Student Want An Alcohol Enema?

When I was in college we drank often, and sometimes to excess.  I remember drinking shots and slugging down awful-tasting concoctions mixed in garbage pails . . . and regretting it all profoundly when I woke up with my head on the toilet seat the the next morning.  All of that drinking, of course, occurred by slurping and swallowing the contents of cups, bottles, or cans raised to my lips.

Apparently we’ve crossed some new frontier in collegiate drinking excess, because some students are experimenting with alcohol enemas.  This practice involves placing a tube in the keister and pouring alcohol into the colon, where it is absorbed directly into the bloodstream.  As a result, the enzymes in the stomach and liver that break down alcohol are bypassed, and the drinker (I’m not sure that’s the right word, given the circumstances) gets drunk quicker.  In fact, the recipient (I’m not sure that’s the right word, either) can get much drunker, much faster.  A recent incident at the University of Tennessee saw one student hospitalized with a blood alcohol level of .40, which is five times the legal limit and in the range where people can die of alcohol poisoning.

This might just be a weird incident at one school that shouldn’t be assumed to be a trend.  Even if alcohol enemas are just limited to the University of Tennessee, however, what would possibly motivate a kid to drop trou, stick a hose up his butt, and ask another person to do the pouring honors?  Is getting drunk as fast as possible really so important that you would do something so outlandish, disturbing, and dangerous?  I’ve got to believe that any student who has experimented with alcohol enemas has some very serious problems.