“Fair Style” As An Adjective

A restaurant located near our firm, OH Pizza + Brew, features this sign about its dessert options in the restaurant’s front window. To some, no doubt, the phrasing seems odd. But to anyone who has been to the Ohio State Fair, and has eaten “fair food” along the midway, a reference to “fair style” desserts conveys a powerful message indeed.

What is a “fair style” dessert, exactly? Typically, it has multiple characteristics. First, of course, it must involve food stuffs that are bad for you, prepared in a way that accentuates their unhealthy impact. That means desserts that are fried, that are high in sugar, and that include components from Dr. Nick’s “neglected food groups” pyramid shown on a classic Simpsons episode.

Second, the dessert must be excessive. That means the portions must be huge—think of a piece of fried dough as big as a dinner plate—and the dessert must features unholy combinations that push the caloric content off the charts. Fried Snickers bars on top of ice cream in fried dough might be one element, for example, but you’re going to want to add, say, pieces of candied bacon dipped in chocolate, whipped cream, drizzled caramel, and then drop M&Ms and Reese’s Pieces on top, just to give the concoction a real fair flair.

And finally, a true “fair style” dessert must be plausibly, if messily, portable, and capable of being consumed by someone walking on a dusty path between ancient rides like the Tilt-a-Wheel. That means handheld options, like red hot elephant ears doused in powdered sugar and the covered with other goodies that will leave your hands gross and sticky for hours, or desserts that can be wedged into a cheap cone or flimsy paper bowl that will immediately begin to dissolve as the dessert quickly melts in the summer sun.

That’s what a “fair style” dessert means to me, at least. I haven’t been into OH Pizza + Brew to see what they offer. Frankly, I’m kind of afraid to check it out.

At The Blue Hill Fair

Yesterday we ventured over to the Blue Hill Fair in Blue Hill, Maine.  It’s a big deal locally, and we paid a visit to get our taste of small town America.  The Blue Hill Fair has everything you’d expect to see in a local fair, from livestock and quilting and produce contests — like the impressive array of bright green vegetables shown above — as well as the kind of vomit-inducing rides that you remember from the fairs you went to in your childhood.  Who doesn’t recall their first ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl?  (And for that matter, isn’t it hard to believe that Tilt-A-Whirls are still out there, motoring away and causing people to go careening from one side of the ride to the other?)  The Scrambler was there, too, but no sign of the notorious Rotor.

We also watched a fine performance by the Red Trouser Show, put on by two long-time friends who now make their living traveling the circuit and performing at fairs and functions across the globe.  These guys were great, both in terms of their juggling, tumbling, and acrobatic efforts and in their witty banter and ability to get the crowd into the show.  It was a great reminder of America’s vaudeville past and how a simple performance by two people equipped with flaming torches and a ladder can create a memorable experience.

In addition to the elements of your basic small town fair, however, the Blue Hill Fair has something extra.  Because author E.B. White spent a lot of time in this part of Maine, the local lore is that the fair that is a key part of the story of Wilbur the pig in Charlotte’s Web is based on the Blue Hill Fair.  As a result, near the livestock exhibitions you can find a little pen with a dozing pig — two of them, in fact — sporting a blue ribbon because they are “some pig.”  No sign of Charlotte or her web, however.

And those of you who remember the story in Charlotte’s Web will recall that the wily Charlotte enticed Templeton, the rat, to accompany Charlotte and Wilbur to the fair by promising him gluttony beyond compare due to the food available along the midway.  If Templeton had been at this year’s Blue Hill Fair, he would have been a happy camper — you could find every imaginable kind of fair food there, from fried dough to funnel cakes to cotton candy, caramel apples, and bacon-wrapped hot dogs.

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The Denny’s Diet

During our visit to St. Augustine we stopped at a Denny’s — where we felt we just had to try the Red Velvet Pancake Puppies, which are served with a cream cheese icing container “for dipping.” It’s just one of several notable Denny’s offerings in the much-neglected fried/sugar/dipping sauce food group category. Richard said it tasted like an elephant ear.

Denny’s has managed to bring the nutritional value of fair food to a wider audience — literally and figuratively.

Speaking Of Fair Food And Doughnuts . . . .

How serendipitous!  Right after writing about fair food and America’s love of doughnuts, I see a news item that combines the two.

This year’s New York State Fair will be serving up the Big Kahuna Donut Burger.  This quarter-pound burger is served between slices of a grilled glazed doughnut.   With cheese, bacon, and the fixin’s, The Big Kahuna Donut Burger comes out to about 1,500 calories:  a true, over-the-top gutbuster.  What will they think of next?  Couldn’t they have worked a deep-fried Snickers bar into the mix somehow?

I’d like to see someone slug down a Big Kahuna Donut Burger and then take a spin on the Tilt-a-Whirl — at least, I’d like to see it from a safe distance.

Fun At The Fair

Tomorrow the 2011 Ohio State Fair begins.  There will be some differences this year — for one, beer will be served for the first time in more than 100 years, although apparently only at adult events at one of the concert venues — but the core of the Fair will be the same as it has been for decades.

In the livestock barns, 4-H kids will be showing animals they have raised and fed and tenderly cared for since birth.  The poultry pavilion will be a cacophony of cackling and quacking and honking by often-exotic looking fowl.  Delicious fresh ice cream and milkshakes will be sold at the dairy building, next to the traditional butter cow and butter calf.  Other buildings will house concession stands that hawk garage sale items and curious products you normally see only on TV.  On the Midway, there will be vomit-inducing rides and a rich display of tattoos.  And everywhere there will be legendary Fair food that ranges from home-cooked meals prepared by church groups to the most absurd fried offerings imaginable.

I love the Fair.  I love the animal and vegetable competitions and horse shows and the chance to reconnect with Ohio’s great agricultural heritage.  I love the Fair’s timeless quality and old-fashioned feel.  And how can you beat the food?

If you’ve never been to the Ohio State Fair, you’re missing something.  This year’s edition runs from July 27 to August 7.

Fair Food

The 2010 Ohio State Fair is in full swing.  Unfortunately, I won’t be able to make the Fair this year.  That means I’ll miss the pungent smells and interesting sights at the animal barns, the fervent pitches of the mop and cleaning solution salesmen at the “As Seen On TV” pavilion, and the dust, tattoos, and piercings that are the hallmarks of the Midway.  Fortunately, all of those attractions, and many others at the Fair, are timeless.  If I can’t check them out this year, I’ll be able to do it next year, and I probably won’t miss much of anything.

There is one area, however, where the Fair evolves rapidly and missing a year can be crucial.  I’m speaking, of course, about Fair food.  When we first started going to the Fair, you looked for corn dogs, a slice of pizza, a wedge of pie, caramel apples, cotton candy, and salt water taffy.  Over the years, elephant ears, funnel cakes, and the proudly advertised yet plainly described “fried dough” were introduced to great popular acclaim.  Then came developments like the Hot Roast Beef Sundae, the 84-ounce “Lemon Shake-Up,” which consists of ice, a lemon, and a cup or so of sugar, and other monuments to healthy eating.

This year’s Fair website has a helpful “food finder” so that every visitor to the Fair can immediately make a beeline for their favorite Fair food.  Check out some of what I am missing this year:  Deep fried garlic mashed potatoes and bacon cheddar mashed potatoes on a stick with seasoned sour cream dipping sauce!  Chocolate covered bacon!  Fried dill pickles!  French fries with ranch dressing and crumbled bacon topping!  Deep fried Oreos!  Deep fried cookie dough, fried cheesecake, deep fried Cap’n Crunch, and deep fried s’mores!  (And the last options are all available from the same concession stand!  My God, is it located near qualified medical personnel?)

Makes you want to eat and drink to bursting and then go on a ride like the Gravitron or the Viking Ship, doesn’t it?