Zombie, Or Not Zombie?

Halloween is just around the corner, and a person’s thoughts naturally turn to . . . zombies.  We’ve all seen movies about them.  We know there is a good chance that, any day now, some misguided government program, alien virus, or bacteria from the bottom of the sea could turn our peaceful fellow citizens into a crowd of ravenous, flesh-gobbling undead.

But what to do to defend your home and loved ones against the scourge of shuffling, groaning ex-humans who hunger for brain tissue?  What devices are most likely to thwart or permanently disable the rotting horrors who may be shambling down the street at any moment?  Or what if, God forbid, you became a zombie?  What if you had to repair that broken arm caused by the terrified bat-wielding neighbors who won’t let you feast on their children, or you needed to remove an eight-inch nail shot into your abdomen?  America is crying out for answers to these crucial questions!

Fortunately, the Westlake Ace Hardware Store Zombie Preparedness Center has the answers.  It’s an equal opportunity website, too, offering assistance to both human and zombie.  For humans hoping to knock off any zombie that might stagger by, the helpful hardware folks recommend nail guns, sledgehammers, chainsaws, shovels, and pickaxes.  For zombies, caulk, duct tape, and sealants will come in handy when bodily repairs are needed, whereas air fresheners and carpet cleaners can avoid the embarrassment of undue rotting odor.

In fact, forget Occupy Wall Street!  The best thing for our economy right now could be the government’s release of its secret zombie virus, leading to an uprising of Zombie Nation.  No other government program is more likely to cause a stimulative run on America’s hardware stores.