A Curious Celestial Phenomenon

Residents of central Ohio were astonished today when our accustomed cloud cover vanished and a large, flaming orb unexpectedly appeared in the sky.

The object is so bright that it is creating sharp, dark outlines of objects, like tree limbs, mailboxes, and even people, on the ground.  It is so dazzling that mortal man cannot look at it directly without being blinded.  If you wish to walk around in the brilliance, you must shield your eyes to avoid being stupefied.

It is unclear whether the object is dangerous, but there are warning signs that it may be hazardous.  It appears to radiate some kind of energy, because exposure to the object leaves the back of your neck feeling warm and tingly.  It also exerts a curious attraction.  People seem to want to go outside and bask in the object’s brightness.  Neighbors who have long remained indoors are outside and have discarded their coats.  Have the authorities been notified?