Weird Car Commercials

If you’ve watched any sports broadcast on TV recently, you’ve undoubtedly noticed two specific commercials that stand apart from the ever-present erectile dysfunction and an-unpronounceable-drug-for-every-condition ads.

matthewIn one of the commercials, Matthew McConaughey gets spruced up, puts on an expensive suit on a dark night, smiles a slight, enigmatic smile, and then falls backward into a pristine pool.  In the other, a prissy, entitled Brit talks about how some people are always able to dodge all of the rules — hey buddy, in this American presidential campaign that hits a little too close to home! — and then visits wheelchair-bound Steven Hawking in his underground Bond villain lair where they talk about the laws of gravity, time, and space.

Curiously, these are car commercials.  McConaughey is peddling Lincoln, and Hawking and his above-of-all friend are hawking (pun intended) Jaguars (which I’d always thought was pronounced Jag-warr, but I now learn from the commercial is pronounced, with an affected British accent, Jag-u-are).  In contrast, say, to the commercials that purportedly astonish slack-jawed “real people” with the sheer number of awards Chevrolet has won in the last two years, the Lincoln and Jaguar ads don’t really tell you anything about the advertised vehicles or even show them very much.  The Lincoln and Jaguar ads are lifestyle ads — the kind that try to convince the credulous that if they just buy the product they’ll get the advertised lifestyle, too.

Okay, I get it.  But I’ve still got a question:  how many people out there really want to be like McConaughey or the Brit who trades witticisms with Hawking in his futuristic bunker?  I guess Lincoln and Jaguar aren’t looking to sell cars to women, for example.  And I doubt that the lifestyles depicted appeal to a huge chunk of the American male population, either.  I, for one, have never aspired to fall backward into a pool while zen-like music plays.  And as much as I admire Steven Hawking’s colossal intellect, I don’t exactly associate him with cars.

Give me the car commercials that feature brightly painted roadsters rolling down a winding, open road on a bright sunny day, whisking through freshly fallen leaves as they round a curve.  Leave the enigmatic smiles and the falling into pools to the erectile dysfunction crowd, will you?

Political Statement

This sign appeared in downtown Columbus a few days ago.  At first I thought it was there for the Columbus Marathon, but it’s been saying “Blah Blah Blah” for days now — and, as the photo above shows, it’s positioned with the Ohio Statehouse in the background.

Could the sign be a political statement?  Hmmm . . . I wonder.

First Drones, Then . . . ?

Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer, who was slotted to start game 2 of the American League Championship series for the Tribe, cut his pinky fixing a drone.  Because professional baseball pitchers do need use of their hands, his scheduled start will be moved back to game 3.

a958c94acc5fbb76d5b1737fd41d3600Sure . . . a drone-related injury.  Well, why not?  When the Indians are trying to win their first World Series since 1948, you’ve got to expect the unexpected.  So a drone-related injury really isn’t all that weird.  Here are my thoughts on some other likely obstacles that the Indians will have to overcome:

  • Freak storm dropping 18 inches of snow during the fifth inning of game 2
  • Entire Indians team experiences food poisoning from eating poutine the night before game 3
  • Zombie uprising strikes Toronto, with half of the Tribe bullpen converted into grotesque freaks who crave human flesh
  • Alien invasion during the performance of the National Anthem at the start of game 4

Or here’s something really weird:  maybe the Tribe will avoid any more oddball injuries or other mishaps and actually advance to the World Series.  What could be weirder than that?


The Airline Diet

In my lifetime, there have been many diet fads.  Scarsdale.  Atkins.  The Caveman Diet.

But what about the Airline Diet?  That’s the diet in which you would do nothing except eat and drink what you get for free on an airplane trip.  Diet Coke or water for refreshment.  Peanuts and maybe some crackers for sustenance.  All served by a hurried attendant rolling a cart down a narrow aisle, and consumed on a plastic tray that hasn’t been thoroughly cleaned as you sit bumping elbows with complete strangers.

Sure, your sodium content probably would go through the roof, but you’d soon lose any interest in food — which seems to be the goal of many diets, anyway.  When you see people eating on an airplane, it’s a purely mechanical exercise.  You munch on the food because it’s been given to you and it’s something to do while you’re up in the air.  No one is really paying much attention, much less savoring the experience.  Of course, with a steady diet of Diet Coke, peanuts, and Cheese Nips, who would?

Long’s Gone

When you get older, you come to accept the inevitability that things you remember from your youth — whether it is TV shows, favorite athletes, failed breakfast cereals, or brands of beer — will vanish into the mists of time.

mt_long_book_demo_fs_3Still, it was weird to see recent photos of demolition equipment tearing down Long’s college bookstore, across the street from the OSU campus.  When I attended Ohio State back in the ’70s, Long’s was as much a part of the University as the Orton Hall chimes.

Everyone who went to Ohio State — and that covers a lot of people — stopped into Long’s, or its nearby competitor, SBX, to buy their textbooks.  Students would take their course syllabi, scan for the required texts, and then head to Long’s to get the books.  It was a crammed yet sprawling, ramshackle store that also sold OSU fan gear and therefore attracted a good crowd of Buckeye fans, which just added to the hustle and bustle of the place.

At Long’s you would learn that your college professors often wrote the textbooks for the courses they taught . . . and that the texts seemed to carry an awfully high price tag compared to some of the other books available.  But, what could you do?  It was a required text, and how in the world could you expect to pass the course if you didn’t have one?  Experienced students learned that it paid to get to the bookstores early, because with luck you could find a reasonably used copy of the text at a much lower price.  And then, at the end of the quarter — for it was quarters, not semesters, back in those days — you would resell your books to Long’s or SBX for pennies on the dollar.  Why?  Because it was a buyer’s market, and no college student wanted their apartment cluttered with texts from Philosophy 101 or Poli Sci 265, and you’d rather get a few bucks that you could spend on beer and pizza.  It’s not like you were ever going to read a textbook again, anyway.

In this simple way, Long’s taught naive OSU students some valuable lessons.  Buy low, sell high.  Brace yourself for a gouging.  And understand that the world isn’t fair.

Those are some pretty enduring life lessons, when you think about it.

Further Proof We Do (Or Don’t) Live In The Matrix

Apparently there is a group of people who sincerely believe that we all live in a real-life version of The Matrix.

That is, they think that humans participate in a computer simulation of reality when, in actuality, our bodies are somewhere else — perhaps providing energy to power robotic overlords who are fighting real humans to the death, as in the movie.  Some billionaires who subscribe to that view are funding an effort to break us out of the simulation.

hugo-weaving-agent-smith-the-matrixLet’s suppose for the sake of argument that you thought we might live in a real-life matrix.  Wouldn’t this year’s presidential election cause you to conclude that we couldn’t possibly be living in a matrix?  After all, the whole idea of The Matrix was that the world the computers created was so plausible that humans never suspected it was a sham — and you’ll recall that the early versions of the matrix were too happy and carefree to be accepted by human beings as real.  Wouldn’t this year’s ludicrous presidential election cause people to question whether what we have previously accepted as reality is just a really bad dream?  C’mon — who’s going to accept a presidential election in which Donald Trump is one of the major party candidates?

But wait . . . maybe The Matrix believers think that’s all part of the plan.  Maybe they think Agent Smith and his fellow rogue elements are out there, messing with the seamless perfection of The Matrix, as part of an effort to tear it all down so they can escape.  Maybe that’s why we’ve got this appalling electoral choice, and why we’re seeing these weird reports of random clown sightings and attacks.  Maybe it’s all part of a crazed plan to cause our perception of reality to crumble and leave us gasping for air in our energy pods.

It’s as good an explanation as any.

A Limit To Aging

It’s no secret that average life expectancy for men and women has been steadily increasing for years.  With advances in medicine, science, disease control, and other factors that affect mortality, it’s now commonplace for people to live well into their 80s and 90s, and more people than ever are hitting triple digits.

100-candlesBut if you read the occasional stories about the acknowledged oldest person in the world, you note that the maximums don’t seem to be advancing.  You see the report on the oldest person being presented with a birthday cake with more than 110 candles, and a few months later you read that that person has gone to the great beyond and a new “oldest person in the world” has taken on that designation.

This leads scientists to wonder whether there’s a natural limit to life expectancy in humans.  One recent study, which explored a mass of human mortality information, has concluded that the human life span is naturally limited to a maximum of about 115 years, and that it would be exceptionally rare for any human to hit 125.  The study noted that only one human, a French woman named Jeanne Calment who died in 1997 at the age of 122, has even come close.

Some scientists pooh-pooh this conclusion, noting that the current crop of super-old codgers may have had their life expectancies affected by malnutrition or childhood diseases that have since been eradicated, and that up-and-coming generations of people who have not been exposed to such life-affecting circumstances may easily break through the 115 or even the 125 barrier.  Others argue that extreme old age logically should have genetic limits, as the lives of different species of animals seemingly do.  And, of course, it’s possible that new advances in medicine — such as finding a cure for cancer or the development of readily available artificial organs — could have an impact.

For now, though, I guess we’ll just have to settle for going toes up in the prime of life at the age of 115.  That’s bitterly disappointing for those of us who want desperately to see the year 2100, but at least having a presumed end date of 115 will add some welcome structure to our retirement planning.