Pluto’s had a tough time of it. It’s the loner of the solar system, orbiting in the cold regions of the Kuiper belt, far away from the warmth of the Sun. It’s got the same name as one of the more pointless Disney cartoon characters. Then, in 2006, it was exposed to the sizeist biases of scientists who decided that it should be embarrassingly downgraded from a planet to a “dwarf planet.”
But recently things were looking up for poor Pluto. Two more moons were discovered in its orbit, bringing its total to five. In the lunar satellite category, therefore, Pluto kicks the butts of those haughty, full-scale planets like Earth and Venus. And then a naming contest for the new moons got underway, and people became interested when William Shatner — also known as Captain James T. Kirk, of the starship Enterprise, on Star Trek, the original series — suggested that one of the moons be called Vulcan, after the home world of his fellow Star Trek character Mr. Spock. Vulcan was the top vote-getter by an overwhelming margin, and Pluto must have thought its luck had really changed for the better: it would have a moon with a name that people would actually remember and that might, in some far distant time of routine space travel, become a kitschy tourist attraction as a result.
Alas! Pluto’s luck could not hold. The International Astronomical Union vetoed Vulcan, concluding that it was used elsewhere in astronomy and that Vulcan, the Greek god of the forge, was not sufficiently associated with Pluto, the god of the Underworld. So, instead of Vulcan, Pluto will be orbited by Kerberos and Styx.
It must be depressing for Pluto to constantly be reminded of its grim, land of the dead namesake, and it’s got to be even more depressing to now be reminded of a mediocre ’70s rock band. Cheer up, though, Pluto! It could be worse! Your new moon could have been named Kansas.